I swear if one more person says “It has to be done” to me today I will stab them in the eye with a biro… or maybe set fire to their nostril hair and force them to snort sambuca.
It’s surgery day tomorrow. Of all people – I am more than aware that “It has to be done”. That’s why I’ve spent the last few months attending various surgeon, nurse and psychologist appointments to convince everyone to chop off my boobs and agree on how to reconstruct them afterwards. It’s not something I’d be doing if I didn’t have to.
So how am I feeling? Slightly psychotic at this point. I’m internalising it though so hopefully no one else has clocked it. I have spent a large part of my bank holidy weekend trying to find sodding button up PJ’s that aren’t lurid, silk or costing £40. Oh, and that are short sleeved as I’m still in the world of the hot flush. Call me a skinflint but I’m not shelling out that much for something I don’t want and what I want is surprisingly hard to find. It’s bad enough that I’m going to have to pay for part of the aneasthetists bill for putting me under but at least that is something you wouldn’t want to scrimp on! Friend to the rescue re the PJ’s though – suggested I get mens shirts which was a great shout. Got a couple in Primark – cheap and cheerful and much less stressful than actual PJ shopping.
Other than the PJ trauma I have been up and down on the emotional front. Got the call last week to confirm I am indeed a BRCA2 mutant which obviously hasn’t helped with the positivity. I’ll write more about that another day but lets just say there was a lot of crying. At least I know now that bilateral mastectomy (mx) is completely the ‘right’ choice. Doesn’t make it any better but I am vindicated and would like to go and point this out to my original surgeon who implied I was over reacting when I first asked if I should consider it due to my family history. I think the answer is a resounding YES. What a nob that man was.
In terms of the actual surgery though I just can’t believe it is actually happening. I don’t know when my life became so ridiculous that this is really actually happening. This is what you read about other people having done and you think “poor them” and have another biscuit and forget about it. I mean diagnosis and original surgery and IVF and chemotherapy have all been surreal – but this is a whole new level of freakish shit that frankly I want no part of… but obviously I don’t get that option.
I don’t really know where this post is going – I don’t exactly have a point. I suppose I should say what I am having done. Tomorrow I am having bilateral mx with immediate reconstruction with expander implants. The reconstruction isn’t all that immediate imo though as the expanders will then be expanded over about 6 – 8 weeks and I will need at least one more surgery in about 6 months time to swap to permenant implants. See – it’s utterly fucking ridiculous. May I wallow in self pity for a second and ask what on earth I did to deserve this? I’m not sure but it must have been pretty bad.
I guess I should try to name some positives. Erm… well hopefully this means I won’t get a recurrance or new primary cancer. It doesn’t eliminate the risk altogether – I think it brings it down to 5%. I should probably know these stats shouldn’t I. The point is that I won’t need to have annual scans or find more suspect lumpy bits and have to go through the stress of getting them checked out.
…and that’s all I’ve got in terms of positive thinking. Here’s hoping things look brighter on the other side. I’ll let you know.