This is not a positive post…

… feel free to stop reading now if you want no part of my misery.

I just need to vent about how much I hate being me.

I hate my body – it is diseased and wants to kill me.
I hate tamoxifen – hot flushes mean I can’t sleep and look like a bright red sweating pig most of the time.
I hate my hair – I look like a twat.
I hate my genes – I don’t want to have my ovaries removed.
I hate chemotherapy – it has fucked over my already worthless piece of shit body.
I hate my brain – it constantly thinks about death.
I hate my eyelashes – they have stopped growing at approximately 4mm long.
I hate my toenails – they are brown and ridged and fucked by taxotere. Just fall off already if you’re going to for fucks sake.
I hate all my ‘treat’ment – no sign that I’m still fertile… I don’t suppose I am.
I hate my genes again – I’m worthless as a potential mother anyway.
I hate my emotions – all this hate makes it difficult to enjoy anything.

Not sure what I did to deserve such a shit life.
Not sure why so many other people get nice, normal happy lives with families where everyone isn’t either diseased, dead, or just miserable – and stuff like having kids is a realistic plan. Where they don’t have to pretend at being happy because that’s really the only option left.

Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself.

I was on a training course today and there was talk of what your ‘five year plan’ is. You know things aren’t going well when your first and only thought is ‘to try to still be alive’.

I think that is enough venting for today. I hope tomorrow is a better day. No reason to believe it will be.

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4 responses to “This is not a positive post…

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