So clearly I lied when I said I would be doing more regular updates. Sorry about that!
Lots and lots has happened since I last posted – some good, some fucking awful and some foob related. I’ll start with the good – we moved house at last! Hurrah! Brought a lovely 2 bedroom house with a conservatory and nice little garden and officially completed on it on 21st November. Obviously this means we’ve been mainly packing and unpacking for quite some time but I actually think we’ve been pretty organised and productive. We had to be really as I had the second stage of my reconstruction surgery booked in for 5th December – more on that later.
Sadly we’d not even been in our house a week before cancer came to fuck everyone off again. Remember my close family member who also has breast cancer which had spread to their bones? Well it has now spread to their liver too. This is fucking awful news. Cancer spreading is never good and this takes her further into the “not curable” category… and lets be honest about this. Not curable is a nice way of saying terminal. I’m not trying to be over-dramatic and I will never say that to her unless she instigates the conversation – but deep down that is honestly what I am thinking. It is not a nice thought. She now has to have another course of chemotherapy and obviously the hope is that this stops or at least slows down the spread. Another 6 months of poison for her – on top of all the other treatment. I would be fucking furious. I think she is. I wish there was something I could do to make things better but there isn’t.
There is also the totally selfish side to this. You are supposed to ‘move on’ from cancer – I think I’ve spoken about how this is not so easy in a previous post. It’s even more difficult when you have someone you love being repeatedly attacked by the fucker and you know exactly what people don’t like to think or say about breast cancer – it does kill people.
I know the popular opinion is that it is pink and fluffy and one of the ‘better’ cancers. I’m here to tell you it’s not always like that. Some people don’t get better. I also think that most people don’t realise that you don’t go into remission with breast cancer. It can come back at any point to ruin your world again. For the majority of people, thankfully that doesn’t happen – but there is always going to be that fear. What I’m trying to say is – I’m having to deal with this fact the same thing could easily happen to me. I can’t distance myself from it because I’m watching someone else going through it. I’d love to ignore the fact it could come back and just tell myself that only happens to ‘other’ people – but it doesn’t, it happens to my family and in a way I feel destined for the same path myself. I’ll be honest – I’m not sure my brain can cope with all of this. I’m not sure how to describe how I feel when I get more bad news these days. Just sort of numb to life. Nothing seems all that important… but then I end up feeling guilty as I should appreciate what I’ve got. It eases off after I get a chance to process the bad news but then there is still this element of just going through the motions. In a way I feel like I did when dad was diagnosed – essentially waiting for the inevitable to happen. That sounds melodramatic and brutal but it is true. This is all very difficult to articulate so I will stop trying to now.
Onto a slightly more positive topic – foob swap… had the second stage of my reconstruction and am now at home recovering. This is where my surgeon has swapped the expander implants for silicone. He also did a bit of ‘scraping’ to rejig them a bit. Not nearly as hardcore as the original surgery but I do think my body is protesting at 5 surgeries in just over a year plus all the other lovely treatment. I’m ok – just sore and a bit feeble. Obviously I’m not complaining though as other people are having to start chemo all over again…